ALEXANDER
2004
Directed by: Oliver Stone
Starring: Colin Farrell, Angelina Jolie, Anthony Hopkins, Val Kilmer, Jared Leto, Rosario Dawson

Reviewed by Jeremy Silman

Watson Scale (0 being worst and 6 being perfect): 1.5

Still suffering from the sheer brutality and madness of reviewer’s irrational ire towards POLAR EXPRESS (which is a magnificent film, despite what you might have heard from those puerile purveyors of pomposity), I found myself walking down a particularly long red carpet behind the lovely Angelina Jolie and testosterone-laden Colin Farrell, huge throngs of people screaming in adoration for their cinematic heroes. I was a bit testy: P-EXPRESS would be a hard act to follow, and after its assassination by the press I felt uncertain as to what modern American society considered to be “good.”

Taking my seat in Grauman’s Chinese Theater (which opened in 1927!), I noticed that Michelle Rodriguez, who was sitting next to me, was absolutely stunning in an eye-opening white gown. Moments later, Oliver Stone stood before us and spat out platitudes about the cast and movie. Then ALEXANDER began and went on and on and on – a film that’s three hours in length, going on twenty.

Now, a few days later, I find that the reviewers (a group I despised for the reason’s stated above) have suddenly escaped from their group psychosis and gotten wise, not falling victim to Mr. Stone’s latest overblown turkey. Let’s enjoy a few comments from voices other than my own:

“Pretty much a mess, an alternately turgid and florid movie that feels like a drugged-out version of a Cecil B. DeMille epic.” – Frank Swietek (ONE GUY’S OPINION)

“Towards the end of this movie, I wanted to kill Alexander just to get it over with and go home.” – Willie Waffle (WAFFLEMOVIES.COM)

“Our history teachers may have been bores, but at least the bell rang before they became wearying.” – Harvey S. Karten (COMPUSERVE)

“I predict that Alexander’s one achievement will be as the most walked out on movie of the year.” – Joshua Tyler (CINEMABLEND.COM)

“I respect Stone as a filmmaker, but this movie is punishment rather than entertainment.” – Bill Muller (ARIZONA REPUBLIC)

Harsh stuff, but here the endless parade of literary bitch-slaps has been well earned. From the agonizingly slow pace, to the wooden acting, to the bizarre mix of accents from supposedly Greek characters, the movie fan is beaten down to a near catatonic state where drool and dreams of being somewhere else drown out the imbecilic lines forced upon the hapless actors.

To be fair, I will say that the battle scenes are impressive in their believable and unrelenting violence. However, who decided that dancing girls were the perfect bridge from battle scene to another long/tiresome march and another battle scene (followed, of course, by more dancing)?

When the film finally ended, I joyously leapt out of my seat (I felt as if I had been released from prison after serving a long term) and headed towards the party in a nearby building. This was more like it! Dozens of servers dressed as ancient Greek warriors, a free-flowing bar, models and actresses dressed to impress, and buffets found in every room you happened to wander into.

So, another red carpet conquered and another party plundered. My advice: avoid ALEXANDER like the plague! If you want lavish (and artistic) martial arts adventure, check out Zhang Yimou’s HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS (which should appear in select theaters soon). And if you’re a family man, drag them all to POLAR EXPRESS. You’ll be glad you did.