RETURNER is so many things crammed into one film, this might be a perfect time to try my hand at Vance’s softgel format.

Miyamoto is—what else?—a killer-for-hire whose only purpose in life is to exact revenge on the peroxided, spiky-haired, breast-groping, organ-dealing villain Mizoguchi, but what starts out as just another leather-clad, gun-totin’ shootout takes an abrupt sci-fi turn when teeny bopper Milly falls out of the sky from the future, and the film morphs into ET, as Milly and Miyamoto frantically try to return a cute little slow-moving wrinkly guy back to his giant lobster spaceship in an attempt to prevent an intergalactic war,

and they must do so within 48 hours, so it’s a good thing they’re aided by a shawl-covered, cigar loving, little old lady who deals in information and firearms,

a great character supporting the fun chemistry between Kaneshiro and Suzuki, which really is the glue that holds this film together through all the plot and genre transformations from shoot-‘em-up to screwball comedy to martial arts to sci-fi, which were all a bit much for me, but I’ll give RETURNER this—you never know which way it’s gonna go, and RETURNER would get a thumbs up rating just for its refusal to give us a typical Hollywood ending.

Phew! How does Vance do it every week?!